hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
