How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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