she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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