Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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