Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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