so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize