my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
