Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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