Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize