I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
