i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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