I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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