I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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