Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
