Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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