I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
