I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
