my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
