hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
