I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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