apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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