You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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