it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize