she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
