hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
