I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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