I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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