Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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