u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You are a genius and a whore.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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