I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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