Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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