I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I look better un-naked...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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