i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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