when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize