so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
