I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Randomize
