She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
