Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
