just survived the first fart of the relationship.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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