Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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