just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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