my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
