oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm sobbing to NWA
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
