What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
