3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Randomize
