i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
