My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
