My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
did i walk over a car last night?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
