i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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