i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
