I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
