She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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