I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
