:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
