No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Actions speak louder than pants.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
