I can feel you judging me through the phone.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
