This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
They took my balls.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
