Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
