why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize