He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
