I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
